The past week, I believe, has been the worst week of my Peace Corps service. Although I’m only 8 months into my 27 months, I don’t know how things could be worse. On Friday I found out a college friend of mine took his life. Then, Sunday I found out my younger cousin took his life. Because of the time differences I found out about my cousin through facebook. My mom called to tell me, but I unfortunately had found out by reading messages on facebook a few hours before she called…..Major negative of facebook I believe. Top off the fact that I can’t really open my mouth, this week has really sucked.
Coming into Peace Corps I thought about all that I would be missing during my service. Weighing the positives along with the negatives. Actually going through one of the negatives is very difficult. Not being able to be with friends and family at this time has defiantly been difficult. My mom told me not to feel guilty because this is where my life is right now and everyone understands that I can’t be there, but it is hard not to feel guilty. I love Moldova and I feel like I am doing positive work here, but at the moment I just want to be home.
Suicide is such an ugly word. One person’s pain is gone, but it leaves a hole in many people’s lives. It’s hard to really understand it unless you have felt that way. I look on my friend’s facebook page and see how many people loved him and will miss him. Did he realize how many people cared for him? Would it have changed anything if he had known? I was never very close to him, but I think back on the times we did share together, and the things we had in common, like our roommates. I hope wherever he is he is happy. I pray that the people near him are healing and are able to cope with this loss.
My cousin was only 21 years old. He has had his struggles throughout life, and I guess he didn’t want to struggle anymore. I wish I could be there to help say good-bye. It doesn’t really feel real that he is gone. I wonder what it will be like in August 2011 when I get back. Will I still expect him around, or will I have gotten used to the fact that he is gone?
I currently just feel numb. I haven’t eaten anything for a couple days, other than chocolate and tea. Small things make me cry. Luckily I don’t have to teach today, I’m at the doctor getting my jaw looked at again. I hate that I’m in Moldova right now. If I was a witch I could just snap my fingers and be home. For all of you hurting, know I’m there in spirit. I love you all and would be there if at all possible.
Please, if any of you feel empty, or are thinking about suicide, talk to someone. Talk to me, or someone you feel close to. I know what it’s like to be on the ledge, and how to get back to solid ground. Things do get better, even if you don’t think they ever could.

Wherever you are Justin and Pat, I hope you’ve found the peace you’ve been looking for.